I woke up instantly, realizing it was Christmas. I opened up my iPad to see what time it was. The bright light stunned my eyes but I could make out 2:34 on the top of my iPad. Click! I closed my iPad. I stumbled out of bed and walked to the living room. NO PRESENTS! I was really confused. My mom must of heard me because she came into the living room, go to bed, it's only 2:41, OK fine I responded. I went to bed. I pulled the covers over me and fell asleep. I woke up again, I checked my iPad, it was 7:48. I went into my mom’s room. I shook her until she woke up. We went to the living room. I wanted to start out small and get bigger so I looked around and found a small rectangular box. I went over to it and knocked myself into the Christmas tree because I was sleepy. The ornaments jingled and the pine needles poked me. I unwrapped it, the Apple logo shined, NO WAY this cannot be an iPhone. I carefully took the top off of the box. I peeled the plastic covering of the phone. I checked the back of the phone, 3 cameras. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted- a new iPhone 11 pro.
I love your story. I love how you used a lot of good sensory detail. I loved how you used "The bright lights stunned my eyes."and, "The Apple logo shinned." I also love how you built up the suspense to the climax of your story. All in all you did a great job on your story.
I like how you explained what time it was and how there is three cameras on the IPhone 11 pro. Also I liked that you said the bright light stunned your eyes.
Alex, I could visualize every bit of your story. I was eager and actually holding my breath to find out what you got. You are a talented writer!
To my surprise I woke up before my alarm clock. I got out of bed and went down the cold creaky stairs on my way toward the Christmas tree, it smelled so fresh, prickly to the touch and it was filled with presents. I looked through the presents and I only found one small one for me, Just then my parents walked in I asked them what the gift was and they told me to open it, so I did and… it was keys? I asked them what they were for and they told me to get dressed and meet them outside, I bolted upstairs put on my softest and warmest pj’s and was outside in the blink of an eye, a moment later and I saw it: a beautiful matte black quad, with red pinstripes up the middle! Next thing I know I'm riding so fast in the snow, I felt like I was flying!
You did a great job on your story. I loved how you really described a lot of sensory detail. I loved how you used, " It was prickly to the touch." That really described what it felt like in such a great way. I also loved how you said you felt like you were flying. You did a really nice job on your story.
Love that simile about flying! I could really picture you speeding through the snow on the quad.
I like how you said you bolted upstairs and you were outside in the blink of an eye. Also I like how you said you got into your softest warmest pj's.
I like how you said that you felt like you flying I thought that was funny and i also think that you described how you felt when you were going really fast.
Wow, Josh, I loved your details and vocabulary. I was confused when you got the keys but could feel your excitement as you "bolted" upstairs. I visualized you flying through the snow with a huge smile. You are a great writer!
I instantly woke up from my bed and ran downstairs to make myself breakfast. It tasted like it was melting and it sounded like sizzling but a sticky triangle. It was eggs with ketchup. I was pretty surprised that my parents nor my siblings were awake yet. When I finished eating breakfast, without a warning everyone started to scream “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” I closed my eyes and a moment later there was a big box that touched like cardboard, it was bumpy and there it was very heavy. I tasted it and it tasted like hard paper, but it was very gross to taste it. I opened it and there was a box inside a box so it unwrapped it all. There was a rectangle box I tasted it and it was meddle, suddenly it started vibrating on my mouth. I gasped! It was exactly what I wanted a brand new Iphone XR that is white.
When you said "tasted like paper," I have the same thing in my story! I love it when you describe it.
Kattie,I loved the sensory details you used in your writing. I could hear the sizzling on the stove. I was surprised when you put the box in your mouth and it vibrated! Keep up the great work.
“Stomp,Stomp,Stomp.” I woke up out of a sudden, thinking it was Christmas Eve. I tiptoed downstairs pretending I was a ninja that was small and had a black coat. The next thing I knew, I heard a ripping noise. “ Rippp.” I peeked through the doorway. It was my sister opening one of my mini presents. Suddenly I heard footsteps like it was a giant in my house. It was my mom! I dashed downstairs and hid myself, but I remembered what I wanted for Christmas that I asked Santa to get it for me. The Iphone 8! I rushed to my sister, snached it out of her hands. Good thing my mom was halfway down the stairs. I went to my hiding spot. I can’t believe I’m holding the new Iphone 8, which looks like a rectangle. While my mom came downstairs there was a “bring!” Oh no, now my mom will know I'm awake, but wondered where it came from. It’s from the Iphone 8! I opened it and it said “ Hello, Welcome to your new phone!” I jumped as an excitement. My mom saw me. She said “ How do you like your new present?” I didn’t get in trouble! I replied. I heard the noise “rip,” again. I saw my sister eating paper! I asked “How does it taste?” She spit it out. I can tell it didn’t. I tried to throw it away but it was wet when I touched it. But now I'm happy I got what I wanted!
Albee, I love the excitement I feel while I read your piece. When you wrote "I snatched it out of her hands." I could clearly visualize what was going on. Thank you for sharing your writing.
No Problem! When you visualize it, I feel like it can come to true!
All of a sudden I remember what day it is. My birthday. My heart is beating fast as a rocket as I sprint down the dark brown, wooden stairs. When I enter the living room it is dark and quiet. There are no presents or my mom’s special birthday breakfast she always makes for me on my birthday. Suddenly, I see a trail of bright red ribbon leading to the kitchen. “Surprise!” my family calls as I reach the kitchen. I am so shocked I almost fall backwards. In the kitchen I see big presents with bright blue wrapping paper and silky red ribbon. Also there is a breakfast full of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. In the blink of an eye, I am tearing open the wrapping paper to my biggest gift. I gasp when I see what it is. Just what I wanted. A shiny, smooth, vivid blue bike.
I loved how you described the wrapping paper and the bike. How did you come up with the story? Was this a real life thing or did you just come up with it on your own?
It was made up. Thanks though!
I love the story Niamh. I loved that you use some of the Red flag words and phases in your story. like All of a sudden or suddenly.
Niamh, I loved feeling your story. I didn't just read it, I could feel the excitement and joy. You chose great words to help the reader truly walk in your shoes. Thank you for sharing your writing.
I jumped out of bed as I heard my alarm clock blaring in my ear, that I had set for Christmas morning. The alarm was louder than an earthquake. I put on my slippers and sprinted to my window. I gazed out the window to see a winter wonderland. I opened my door and dashed out hoping to go downstairs and see my dream gift under the Christmas tree. I flew down the stiff ,creaky, wooden stairs leading to the living room . To my surprise, on the last step of the staircase, all I could see was an infinite darkness that looked like it could go on forever, and the smell of the leftovers from last nights Christmas Eve dinner. "Was anyone up?" I thought to myself. Just then the blinding living room lights flashed on. “Merry Christmas!” my parents cheered. The next thing I knew I was at the bottom of the Christmas tree and it was surrounded with a mountain of presents. I could smell the pine scent of the tree and feel it’s rough bumpy texture of the leaves. There it was a small shaped present exactly the size of an iphone. I slowly peeled back a corner of the smooth Christmas decorated wrapping paper. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted- a new iphone.
By: Anna Rosinski
I like all of your detail and all of your similes, like "The alarm was louder than an earthquake." I also would like a new iphone.
Anna, your story was great, one of my favorite things was how you compared your alarm clock to an earthquake. I also loved how you built suspense. Great work!
Anna I love your story! I like how you said "I gazed out the window to see a winter wonderland." You had awesome sensory detail.
I HATE alarm clocks! The one in this story seems exceptionally loud and annoying. Your vocabulary and comparison to an earthquake helped me become a character in your story and feel it. Keep up the great work!
Perfect! I woke up just in time to get ready for school. To my surprise, my blue and white uniform wasn’t in my closet. All of a sudden, I remembered, it was Christmas morning! I dashed downstairs still is my cozy red and green PJ’s. Trampling over the mess we made yesterday, I made my way over to the tree decorated in lights and ornaments . Everyone was already under the tree, opening presents. I grabbed my present and ripped it open. The next thing I knew, I was staring at a pink leash. I was so confused. I watched my sister open hers. A tiny red bow dropped onto the floor. My mind was racing with possibilities. Just as I was about to open another present I heard something bark. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted - a new puppy! The adorable ball of fur stumbled over to me and cuddled in my lap. I noticed a bow on her left ear that matched the present my sister opened. This was definitely a day I will never forget.
I love your story. I loved how did such a great job painting a picture in my mind. I loved how said " Trampling over the mess we made yesterday.I also love how you used so much sensory throughout the whole plot of the story. Great job.
I loved how you described your cozy pj's. I also love how you described the puppy as an adorable ball of fur
Maebh, I love your story. "Trampling over the mess we made yesterday" made me feel right at home with my kids. The anticipation for the puppy was great. You laid clues for me, which I definitely got!
All of a sudden I was woken up by my family singing Happy Birthday to me and I jumped up realizing that it was my birthday. And then they all handed me presents. And one present was heavy and as I was ripping the thick colorful wrapping paper back I heard rip and I saw the words HP laptop touch screen I felt so happy . I screamed and yelled yes thank you Mom and Dad, I was so happy that my dream finally came true. And I also got a brand new pj's as I put on the pj's I herd zip and as I zipped up my pj's my hands got shocked by the cold metal zipper. I couldn't believe that I got the flexible metal touch screen hp laptop.
Did you come up with this on your own or did you have it happen to you? If you came up with it, how did you know you wanted to write about this time or this story? I loved it so much and I also loved how you described the colorful rapping paper off.
Colin, I loved your excitement about getting the laptop. I could feel it in your words. Great description!
It was the night before my birthday and I couldn’t go to bed because tomorrow was the big day! Suddenly I woke up and I realized it was here! I dashed out of bed and I sprinted around the house. I was excited, but no one was awake, It was 5:36 A.M. and I was so happy and impatient until my family wakes up and everyone comes! So I went back to my room and decided to go to bed.zzzz. I woke up and as soon as I opened my eyes I feel and see that my sister was crawling on top of me, trying to wake me up. Then I moved her over to the side and I darted to the bathroom to brush my teeth. After that I heard my dad yelling, “CALVIN BREAKFAST IS READY!”. I hurried down the stairs all happy and excited. Breakfast was bacon and eggs, To be honest it was the first time my dad cooked very well. As soon as I finished my plate I went to check on my mom and she was blowing big colorful balloons and making the decorations. I rushed back to my room and played video games. When I heard the doorbell rang I got so excited, I sat down on the stairs and I used it as a slide and it was all my friends. When it was cake time I blew the candles and everyone ate the cake. After that it was present time, The first present I got was the Gatorade GX bottle, The next present is a new hoodie. The last gift was… I opened it and I gasped it was the new nike air mags!
Calvin, you used great descriptive words. I could picture this in my head. Keep on writing!
Bang! Bang! Bang!!!
Suddenly, I woke up to the sound of my uncle banging on my door. I opened it up and I told him that I was going to get dressed. I closed the door. Just then I remembered it was my birthday and ran right to my closet and pick out my comfy, soft warm birthday P.J’s on and they where so warm and soft and felt so super comfy. They smelled like they just came out of the dryer. Then I ran out to the Kitchen i saw my birthday cupcake on the table and ate it as fast as I could because just then I saw a birthday gift on the table. I was so excited to see what it was. I gasped! The gift was the cute, cuddly, adorable, and warm puppy. Its fur was so soft and warm when I felt it against my skin. It barked a warm happy baby bark and it looked so adorable. But when it licked my face she smelled like dog breath. I had an awesome birthday!!!!!!
I really liked your sound effects! Did you really get a puppy? If not, that makes this story even more impressive.
Your story was great! You described the puppy so well I could almost see it in my mind. Good job.
I like how you described the puppy I can almost see and hear her barking you used great describing words.
"They smelled like they just came out of the dryer." I know exactly what that smells like! Thank you for writing such a descriptive piece!
All of a sudden, I woke up and remember...It was Christmas! I ran downstairs still in my soft and fluffy pj’s. Instantly, I can smell barbecue sauce. It was my dad’s famous barbecue beef slices! When I enter the living room, I saw so many presents under the Christmas tree. I helped my dad put the colorful ornaments and the star yesterday night before I go to sleep. It looks beautiful! I just want to rip open all the presents under the Christmas tree but I have to eat breakfast first. On the table, there were a lot of delicious food, but something is missing, the barbecue beef slices! I went in the kitchen and I can hear it sizzle in the pan and it smells just like barbecue sauce. I grab a bowl of rice and start eating. When I was done, I ran to the Christmas tree and start opening my presents. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted- a brand new macbook!
I loved the description of the sizzling beef cooking. I could almost taste it! Great writing!
Suddenly I woke up from a dream I looked at my calendar it was christmas! I was excited I ran down the hallway creeeeeek I saw the christmas tree it glimmered against the window. I wanted to tear open those presents but I know I couldn't do that I knew my mom would want to take pictures (just like every occasion) so I waited patiently for them to wake up. It has almost been an hour and I really wanted to open up the sparkly gifts so i decided to wake them up. I woke everyone up once i woke them up I wanted to rangle those gifts open but instead we took pictures instead we had one group photo “everyone say cheese”my mom shouted “cheese ‘ said everyone once we took the pictures we ate breakfast we ate egg rolls for breakfast “crunch” it was delicious. After we ate breakfast we open the presents “ripp” me and my sister kept on opening gifts till i noticed that there was one big box behind the christmas tree. The tree rustled while I was pulling the box out I ripped the paper off “rip” I opened the box. I saw what I wanted for a long time now a new pet bunny!
Yay a new pet bunny! I love when you use sound!
"I knew my mom would want to take pictures (just like every occasion)" That made me laugh because my own kids would say the same thing. Great job helping the reader become part of your story.
I crawled out of bed and suddenly I remembered that it was the big day. I wanted a pair of yeezys so bad. I went downstairs to see all the lights were out, which was a little weird but then I saw the glowing christmas tree with all the presents. All of a sudden I saw a square box it looked like a shoe box so I opened it. First thing I saw was the 350 symbol I was so excited it felt like hard cardboard the sound that I heard was the sound of me riping raping paper. The smell it is my favorite smell it is the new shoe smell and still in my mouth was the taste of santa's leftover cookies. The worst part about christmas morning though is that there is no more elf. But me and my family still have a lot of fun together we also eat a good dinner and after we are all so fill. And the next day I could not what until I could wear the shoes but the next week I already wanted another christmas but I know I had to wait a long time. One thing I can say though is that this christmas was a lot of fun.
Hey Seamus i liked your story but i have one question about the Yeezys what was the color wave?
I could definitely relate to your story. "the new shoe smell" is something I love too. I hate getting new shoes dirty.
Suddenly I woke up and darted to my moms room and I woke her up “ its my birthday what did you get me?” Without a warning she said “it is six o'clock in the morning wake me up at like ten.” So I went back to my room. Instantly I heard the door creak close I got scared so I went down stairs and locked the doors. Then I went back to my room and plopped down on my soft and comfortable bed. The next thing I knew I woke up with a soft furry baby monkey on my head!
I love how you're using our vocabulary words in your post!
Mia I love baby monkeys, when I went to south Africa I actually little baby monkeys on my head. They are sooo cute. I liked the detail you used like, I plopped down on my comfortable bed.
I love it when you use our vocab words in your story!
A baby monkey?! That was such a surprise for me. I love that your mom didn't want to get up at 6:00. I can relate to her! Great job Mia!
Nice job Mia! I love how you used the red flag words.
I could visualize the whole story. Great job!
It was Monday morning, my alarm just went off. More importantly, it was Christmas morning. The only thing I smelled was pancakes. I can taste it in my mouth, the warm pancakes with syrup on it. The next thing I know I was running to my living room. When I got there, I saw a lot of presents. I ran to the smallest gift and opened it. When i opened it the wrapping paper felt smooth and bumpy. I was so happy that I got a new phone. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted a new phone.
I like when you wrote, "I gasped." That put a picture in my head of your surprise when you saw the phone. Keep up the great work, Kenson!
“Bing! Bing!” as my alarm clock went off. Yes! It is Christmas, I thought, I have to wake up my parents. So I darted to my parents room to wake them up, but my parents said it was too early to open presents. On that note I went back to bed, but just then I heard small THUMP! Coming from down stairs. I went on the top of the stairs quickly and quietly. To my surprise I didn’t see anything, I was still tired so maybe I am hearing things!
The next thing I know my parents were waking me up to open presents. When we went downstairs there was not a present in sight! Just then I saw a track of white fluffy snow leading out the door. My family and I went outside, A moment later I saw a jolly man with a fluffy white beard in a red suit with cookies next to a christmas tree, and there were so many gifts and decorations it looked like Santa’s workshop. In a blink of an eye I only had one gift left I almost didn’t open it because the wrapping paper was so pretty, but I had to rip it open. When I opened it I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted It was the new Iphone XR! It was so shiny I could see my reflection in the phone before I turned it on. That was the best Christmas morning in my life!
I liked all the detail you used like, Bing! Bang! My alarm clock went off, and I also would love a new iphone for christmas
Emily, I love your description of your feelings of excitement. I know what it is like not to be able to sleep because you are so excited. Your word choice made visualizing your story easy to do!
I woke up still tired but suddenly I remembered it was my birthday! I bounced off my bed and landed with a thud. I darted down the old stairs while creaked with every step. I walked into the living room, smelt syrup in the kitchen and thought it was pancakes. Instead when I walked in I saw not just pancakes but eggs, french toast, waffles you name it. I saw the steamy food and it was just to good to resist. I bit down with a crunch it was all warm and soft in my mouth. A moment later it was all gone and I didn’t fell so good. But I couldn’t get sick now I still hadn’t opened any of my gifts. I start ripping off the colorful, smooth paper. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted - a new Xbox!
Jayden, I could almost smell the food. I could almost taste it too. Your story made me hungry! Great description!
All of the sudden I heard my black and red alarm clock going off “bing bing ”, it was 3:00 AM Christmas day. I ran down my old creecky brown stairs “creeek” when no one was up. To my surprise there was no presents or a christmas tree. In a blink of an eye I saw a track of pearly white snow that was leading outside it was so soft but cold, I saw that there was note I wanted to run back upstairs but I didn’t and decided to read the note it said “come outside” I got really scared but I ran outside. When I got outside there were all of my family's presents and our brightly colorful christmas tree, my family woke up and followed. Without a warning my little brother ripped open his christmas presents and my little sister fallowd, my mom got mad but she got over it. Both of my parents handed me my present, the present was small and rectangular, the wrapping paper was shiny, colorful and smooth, I opened it and closed my eyes and counted to three my heart was pounding “boom boom” my parents said I would love it so I counted 1,2,3 I opened my eyes it was the brand new iphone 11 pro. I was SOOO EXCITED I wanted to set it up instenly but my parents said wiat so I did. This was the BEST chrstmas EVER!!!!
I hate alarm clocks and you set yours for 3 am? Yikes! Great job with your story!
I am honored that you like my story and I hate alarm clocks too
All of a sudden, I was awoken by the sound of my joyful family screaming Happy Birthday. My little brother Landon climbed on my soft bed in sat on my and rode me like I was a horse and he was a cowboy. Get out, I said. I want to sleep in on my soft and cozy bed. My family just kept on singing. Fine, As I got up I muttered you guys are so annoying.I walk down the stairs and over to the kitchen table. I was astonished by how many presents I have. All I could say was, WOW. There was one thing that really caught my eye. It was a rectangular box that looked like an iPhone. I want to open that one first I said to my energetic family. My Dad handed the rectangular box to me it felt hard. I ripped open the wrapping paper and saw a box for the iPhone 11 pro. I started to freak out. My other sister was so jealous. It felt super smooth and high quality. I tested the sound and it was perfect. I opened all the presents and finally it was time for the cake. It was vanilla frosting and there was a bruins symbol in the middle. My mom cut me the first slice. I bit into it and it felt soft. It tasted delicious and rich.
By: Shane Driscoll
I laughed out loud while reading your story. "my joyful family screaming Happy Birthday" and "you're so annoying." were really perfect for me to feel like I was in the Driscoll household. Great description Shane!
A Special Gift
Without warning, I jumped up because I heard footsteps on my roof and realized it was Christmas. I opened the door to my bedroom and peeked out but no one was awake yet. Suddenly, I heard loud footsteps again but this time I ran down the white carpet stairs and they felt soft on my feet, but still no one was awake. Just then I turned around and I heard a barking noise but it was just my small white puppy, Max. I went over to let him out of the dog crate and when he got out of the crate I gave him a big hug and he was so soft and furry. In the blink of an eye, I turned around and I saw all the colorful presents all over our shiny brown wooden floor.Then I yelled ‘’ get up you sleep heads !’’ After that, when I was done yelling everyone came downstairs to open presents and I opened the biggest gift ever. I gasped! The gift was exactly what I wanted, it was a shiny blue phone!
Great story Juliane! I loved the description of the carpet. I could almost feel how soft it is. Great job!