Creative Writing - 10 seconds in time -

4/12/2017

Creative Writing - 10 seconds in time -

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Write a ONE PARAGRAPH response that includes show-not-tell writing AND1-2 similes.
Write this response about the most exciting 10 seconds of your life.

42 Comments

Mackenzie

4/12/2017 13:52:23

As I swam to the wall, everything started to get slower, screams made my ears hurt like they were screeches from a chalkboard . I looked at the girl next to me. She was about to touch! I kicked faster like a shark was chasing me . As I was about to touch all I could smell was sweet VICTORY! As I touched I looked around. My heart started to bump, I looked at the girl, she touched at the last sec as I did but I came first ! I stare the girl and the girl stares at me. I could see the defeat in her eyes, but now I know… VICTORY IS MINE!!

Allison

4/12/2017 14:03:10

I really like your story,Mackenzie. I liked the part when you put: "I kicked faster like a shark was chasing me." I really know how it's like. My uncle almost got eaten by a shark. Eventually, he survived, thank goodness.

Mackenzie

4/12/2017 14:13:00

Thanks Alison for saying that!

Lars

4/12/2017 14:23:23

Mackenzie don't screams hurt ears in general.

Mr. P

4/12/2017 14:27:47

Sometimes it's okay to scream!

MAckenzie

4/12/2017 14:31:12

Yes Lars they do hurt a lot but the screams I heard were a lot worse trust me.

Aidan R

4/12/2017 13:53:18

Knockout
Swish! Mr. Pestone got in in like a rocket in the sky. Then he passed it to Aidan B, I shot but I missed “Oh no I think I’m going to get out” I looked behind and Aidan B was shooting the ball. I picked up the ball and shot but then he hit the rim and it went in, “noo Aidan B got in in first.” I pass it on to Cole and he shot it and it rolled on the rim but it rolled of the rim and on the ground like a hockey player shooting the ball in the net, I said. Then the next person was Lars he shot the ball and it bounced at the backboard and went in. “Good job Cole, said Lars. “Thanks you too, said Cole.

Allison

4/12/2017 13:55:33

The Most Exciting Ten Seconds of My Life

I once had the most exciting thing in my life. If you want me to tell you, then here’s the story; “And here comes down the ball.” The TV announcer announced. “ 3...2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!” Everyone cheered as the ball came down. “YAY!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR, GUYS!!!” I yelled, excitingly. My family looked at each other’s eyes. They knew that it’s time to start a new life. The date for that was January first, the beginning of 2017. (And any other new year.)

lars

4/12/2017 14:18:50

What about last new year? Was that your most exciting 10 seconds of your life last year?

Allison

4/12/2017 14:29:16

Almost the same. Just a few changes.

Mrs. Sinclair

4/12/2017 14:32:57

Allison-

I love that you chose NYE as your moment for this. I would just start right in with "And here comes..." Part of show, not tell can be jumping right into the moment--it gives the reader a creative bold beginning to read.

lars

4/12/2017 13:59:20

The timer says ten seconds. My heart is beating as fast as a cheetah. Everything around me is slow. My palms were sweating like a hog. I am nearing the touchdown zone. “He’s going to make it!” One of the players are in my way of the zone. I charged and dived with a grunt. The player planted, so did I. “He made it!” I looked to see I was in the touchdown zone. The timer said zero. “We, we won. We finally won.” I said to myself. I made history for this football team.

Sadie

4/12/2017 14:34:04

I like your writing Lars it shows me that you were very confident on getting that touchdown. Good job!

Skyla

4/12/2017 14:01:43

Boom Boom my heart pounded like a drum as the announcer said the team with the second most points out of all 54 teams was “Cheer Counters”.I was screaming inside wondering if we would win 1st i felt like a big hammer was about to smash me into a million tiny little pieces. And the “winner with the most point is utimi stars athletics” (utimi stars athletic was my team it was really my team!) I jumped up with pride as one of my team mate Jamie went up and claimed our prize! And i knew we had won!

MAckenzie

4/12/2017 14:23:14

Skyla nice job! Good job winning a prize too!

Joseph

4/12/2017 14:03:16

Even though I been to my grandma’s house and neighborhood once when I young, nothing was familiar. The neighborhood was also so bright like a diamond. Then as we stopped I open the door like a gorilla and then I recognized the her front door. Then I Knew I was there at my grandma’s house as she opened the door I bolted up to her like a cheetah running and I knew this was going to be the best vacation.

Mrs. Sinclair

4/12/2017 14:29:40

Joseph-

Can you show, not tell about how nothing was familiar in the neighborhood?

What do you mean when you say "I opened the door like a gorilla?" Can you show us what happened after opening the door in such a way?

Benjamin

4/12/2017 14:06:06

Me and my little brother where at the top of the highest ride at six flags and then the roller coaster was creeping as slow as a turtle closer to the top and it was so scary it felt like I was in a horror movie and a few seconds later we were already at the bottom and it was really scary.
Me and my little brother where at the top of the highest ride at six flags and then the roller coaster was creeping as slow as a turtle closer to the top and it was so scary it felt like I was in a horror movie and a few seconds later we were already at the bottom and it was really scary.

Cole Zupkofska

4/12/2017 14:10:31

Ooooooooohhhhhh… We won the championship. It is our’s. My heart was racing faster than a bullet. In my head I’m saying “what just happened”. I start to faint. I’m as happy as my parent when she had kids but, then my time is over but I’ll never forget that.

Mrs. Sinclair

4/12/2017 14:24:00

Cole-

I love your similes. :-) Can you elaborate on the first part of your writing? You said "We won the championship. It is ours." I would love to see the show, not tell for this. If I closed my eyes, I want to be able to actually see you winning the championship. What happened in the last play? What did your team do? How did they react?

Lydia

4/12/2017 14:10:46

Once I entered the door, I just wanted to go and bounce on the trampolines like a cheetah wrestling like a deer! In the blink of an eye, the door screeched open, and i darted into Monkey Joe’s Trampoline Palace. “YAY” I roared. All of a sudden, I was in my dream land! I smelled like cotton candy and popcorn! It smelled so good I just wanted to gobble them all up like a turkey!

MAckenzie

4/12/2017 14:21:49

WOW Lydia you are very lucky! Nice story!

Lydia

4/12/2017 14:27:16

Thank You Mackenzie! I like both of yours too! I can actually feel it and I can visualize it happening! Great Job, Mackenzie!

Mackenzie

4/12/2017 14:11:41

As the roller coaster started my heart was pumping quickly. My eyes flashed in fear. I could see light, I thought I was gonna die. The light was only the sun but the light as bright as heaven. I began to shout like I was about to take a flu shot! I could feel rain but those were only my tears falling from my eyes. As I looked down I prayed I would not die. The world became slower and slower as I was about to drop.. I could see people as ants but really….. I was just seeing the last I could see before I die. I look back, I could hear cries and screams. I held my chest. All the words that I was about to say disappeared in a flash.

Sadie

4/12/2017 14:36:28

I like your writing Mackenzie It has a lot of similes and description

celina

4/12/2017 14:13:12

As i was taking the best spoonful of lobster i took a big whiff and it smelt like fresh flowers.it was my dinner it look liked it was cooked by the royal chef it self. I couldn't wait another second to eat it as soon as it hit my mouth it was like the world's best restaurant putted a flavor bomb in my mouth The food tasted like heaven. The food was so good the lobster was on point. As i was chewing their were so many flavors first salty then sweet and finally sour.

Mackenzie

4/12/2017 14:20:05

Celina you are making me want food! Nice one too Celina I wish I thought of that!

Mrs. Sinclair

4/12/2017 14:21:19

Celina, can you stretch out some of these moments even more? For example, instead of saying the food was so good or the lobster was on point, try to show us how the food was so good. You've already said that the food tastes like heaven, so you have a great start. I'm thinking of one of the best meals that I had, and I would say something like "I slowly savored each bite, dreading the moment when it would be my last one. I couldn't believe how delicious this meal was, and I was depressed thinking about it being over. I was already planning my next visit back to the restaurant."

Also, be sure to check your punctuation!

Nolan

4/12/2017 14:31:42

Celina this makes me very hungry. Where did you get this lobster? I hope they make good salmon too!

CHLOE REBECCA NICASTRO

4/12/2017 14:19:37

Once I opened the door of five wits it was like a dream come true. Everybody said that it was the best place to become a spy. Their we're so much missions and everything I dreamed of even better my brother was as scared as a pussycat because of the awesome spy mission we we're going in. it was so amazing it was like heaven. All my friends we're super excited and so was I. Then we went into the mission.

morin

4/24/2017 19:00:30

that is a cool story Chloe n. and I love that simile!

Nolan

4/12/2017 14:21:36

OH MY GOD HE IS PUSHING DEAN AMBROSE OFF THE STEEL CAGE!!! Dean Ambrose was laying on the cold floor waiting to fall to defeat. Seth Rollins didn’t care about pain but about winning so he jumped of the cage and some fans booed, but i cheered. I felt like I was going to explode. I was excited as Seth Rollins got up and held up the title proud and still champion. He was as proud as Tom Brady winning the Super Bowl and so was I.

Benjamin

4/12/2017 14:25:06

nice job Nolan I like the simile about Tom Brady!!!!

Mackenzie

4/12/2017 14:25:16

Nice story Nolan! I wish I was there!

Zahraa A

4/12/2017 14:22:50

I was about to open my present, my life is going to flash! It also felt like my head is going to collapse with all of my memory. I was about to scream louder then a animal that lives in Asia. I was just too excited for this that I did not even care about anything. It felt like I was having a melt down in my brain. MINECRAFT! Finally I calmed down then when I played I started to get so obsessed it was like I was in a different world.

Sadie

4/12/2017 14:24:36

The puppy
I went downstairs as slow as a sloth. When I got down to the last step my heart was pounding as fast as a cheetah chasing its prey I screamed in excitement. I thought this was all a dream but I was wrong My dad told me in excitement that we got a new puppy and she is a girl. I quickly went down on my knees to pet her fur. As I pet the soft fur I asked if we could name her Daisy and they said yes. Her fur is as fluffy as laying down on a cloud and her eyes were as brown as a biting into a dark rich chocolate bar. As a went up to the coach to cuddle with her I knew she was mine.

Lydia

4/13/2017 13:27:09

This is really exciting! I bet her fur was really soft! I wish I had a puppy!

Allison

4/12/2017 14:42:27

SWISH!

Swish! I looked up at the scoreboard. Oh no. This is bad. We’re never gonna win. I nervously thought. The score was 14 to 13. My team had 13 and Clinton's had 14.The other team had the ball. Clinton had the ball at the other team. Clinton was an amazing player. He’s almost 6 feet tall. He’s 5 feet and 10 inches. He took a shot but missed. This is my chance! I thought. I was as fast a lightning bolt when I ran. I took the basket ball and dribbled to the other side of the court. I jumped as high as I could. I dunked the ball in the hoop. A lot of people booed, but it doesn’t matter. We won! We had the final point! The point was 15 to 14! “Great job, team. Everyone put a lot of effort to this final game.” I said. I then walked off to Clinton. “Great job,dude. You did an awesome job out there.” I said. “Thanks. Really liked that dunk. I wish I could do that.” I knew we had won.

Aidan B

4/13/2017 13:21:17

It was the 4th quarter and Edelman just caught the ball and was running as fast as a gazelle. Everyone from the Atlanta falcons were chasing him down the field! 10 yards 5 yards TOUCHDOWN PATRIOTS!!! “That felt like the floor just fell from underneath me.” That is 10 seconds of my life that I will never get back.

Aidan R

4/13/2017 13:21:49

BaseBall
“Oh no only ten seconds in the championship, said the announcer. As I was walking to the plate I talked to myself “it’s my turn up 1 home run we win!” I got to the plate and aimed on the ball, “you ready? said the pitcher.” I look at my bat I’m shaking but it doesn’t matter, the pitcher threw the ball I hit it hard and it went out of the park! “HOME RUN!! said the announce.” I ran around the bases while my team was chasing me because we won the championship!! “You are the best Aidan, said my whole team and my coach.”

morin

4/24/2017 18:57:30

my puppy
bark! I heard a loud noise downstairs. I went downstairs as slow as a turtle. my parent where right in front of me as I had a small amount of steps " honey I want you to close your eyes" said my mom " okay" I said back I closed my eyes as mom and dad leaded me downstairs " okay, open your eyes" said my happy mother I slowly opened my eyes and I saw a..... puppy! I was so joyful that I even named her joy. That was the best 10 seconds of my life!

morin

4/25/2017 13:10:00

My new puppy

Bark! I heard a loud noise from downstairs. I went downstairs to see what that noise was. I was moving as slow as a turtle. Than suddenly my parents came out of nowhere “ I want you to close your eyes’ said my mother “okay” i said i closed my eyes shut tight. My parents held my hands as we went downstairs. “Okay open your eyes” said my father i slowly opened my eyes and right in front of me was a….. Puppy! I was so happy i even named her “joy” i whispered to myself. I stood up and said “ thank you mom and dad thank you so much for the puppy!”. That was the best 10 seconds of my life.

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Creative Writing - 10 seconds in time -

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